How The Heck Do I Make Friends as an Adult?
Tips + 6 Substackers on how they met their newest friend
I have a vivid memory of going up to a girl at the swimming pool at my great-aunt’s apartment complex and saying, “I’m Becky.1 Do you want to be my friend?” I must have been 5 or 6. We spent the afternoon playing mermaids and having tea parties at the bottom of the pool. I never saw her again.
I’ve always had a fairly easy time making friends. Maybe it’s because I’m an only child and didn’t have the built-in back-up of siblings to play with. Maybe it’s because I made two big moves as an adult to new cities where I only knew 1-2 people and started my social network from scratch. Maybe it’s because I’ve always leaned more extroverted and don’t experience a ton of social anxiety under normal circumstances (though if I was invited to a dinner party at Oprah’s, for example, you can bet I’d be popping Imodium like breath mints; I’m only human). If I think back over the last three years, I can count at least ten new friends I’ve made. Even more acquaintances. I don’t say that to brag, but to give you a sense of my friendship stats. My bonafides for why you might want my advice.
But I know from hosting Bad on Paper for the past 6 years (!!) that not everyone has as easy a time making and maintaining friendships. When we started the show with bi-weekly advice episodes, the most popular topic people wrote in about was friendship. How to make new friends? How to break up with friends you outgrew? What to do when a friend broke up with you? And I’m not surprised people struggle. In our culture, we spend so much time laying out roadmaps for romantic love—there are apps, advice books, podcasts—but the expectation is that platonic love is, by nature, easy and organic.
When I put the call out for Q&A topics a few weeks ago, one questions read: “Your friend group is goals. Advice on how to make friends as an adult?”
First of all, thank you. That means a lot because I think of myself as someone who prioritizes my friendships and being a good friend. But I also knew this wasn’t a topic I could address in a couple paragraphs. It was its own newsletter (heck, maybe multiple). So, without further ado, I give you my guide to making friends as an adult, plus I asked 6 newsletter writers how they made their most recent friend to get a broader perspective.
What’s your why?
This makes approaching new friendships sound like a woo-woo spiritual retreat or a career counseling session, but bear with me.